Anxiety Aunt: Help! My husband never wants to do anything or go anywhere, how do I motivate him to do more?

Dear Aunty I have been married for over 30 years and love my husband. However he has become boring. All he does every day is work, work and more work around our property and when all the necessary work is done he looks for things to do even if it is unnecessary work. He never wants to go anywhere and even when I suggest we do something ie. go for a drive, go out for lunch etc., he always has an excuse so I have stopped suggesting. Whenever we do go out it is only to do necessary things like shopping or appointments. Going on holidays in the caravan is also mundane because he wants to go to places we have seen quite a few times already and when I suggest somewhere different he always says “what do we want to go there for”. If I don’t agree with him, I get the silent treatment. How do I get him back to being the adventurous fun-loving guy I married? Yours, Stuck Dear Stuck, Firstly, take heart because your Aunt probably gets more letters and emails from people in a similar situation to your own, than on any other matter. The long and short of it is that marriages or domestic relationships are not easy to maintain over decades, especially with all the way we change as individuals. People either grow together or they grow apart. And if they do the latter then they must decide whether they are going to make changes to fix things, continue on down the road as they are, or take separate forks in the road. Neither path is easy, Stuck, but the one piece of advice your Aunt would give that the only way through your conundrum is by communicating. Silently seething accomplishes nothing. And while it can be hard to spark up conversation on difficult subjects or those that carry a lot of emotional weight, it is vital that you do so. As somewhat of an aside, but also related is your Aunt’s theory that in general we tend to put too many eggs in one basket. Often, but possibly decreasingly so, we look to one person to fulfil all our social and emotional needs, when in fact it takes a range of people. Your Aunt is all for spreading the love. And One is not talking about being polyamorous here, Stuck, although to each their own and if it floats your boat then set sail by all means. What One means is that friends and family can also help fulfil our relationship needs. So for instance you say your husband won’t take a drive with you, so why not call a girlfriend and head out into the wilderness for the afternoon? You know, sisters are doing it for themselves and all that, Stuck. Just don’t go full Thelma and Louise and get yourself in so much trouble with the law that the only option is to launch yourselves off a cliff. Your Aunt doesn’t want any potential lawsuits, when One is merely soliciting some friendly advice. If your life has revolved around your husband up until this point and you don’t actually have any close friends at this stage in your life, then your Aunt would set about fixing this forthwith. Good ways to meet new people include attending local social events, volunteering for a local charity or signing up to a book club, gym, bingo group or bowls club. The thing to remember, Stuck, is that you may feel like you are trapped at this stage in your life but a simple shift in perspective can reveal all the choices and options that are in front of you. And who knows, perhaps by getting out and about and doing more, you might actually motivate your husband to do the same. Even if he is motivated by jealousy, it could still reap some benefits for you both.